What Was I Thinking?

Honestly, what was I thinking?

Now that I think about it…..was I even thinking at all?

Nah, I was definitely thinking….

I guess I was just thinking wrong….

When I came to California, I thought to myself that I would change.  Things would change.  Escape from the hell that was home, safeguarded from the streets that almost consumed me, and the one single chance at doing my own thing.  I really thought of myself as a bird escaping to paradise, away from the trials and tribulations of my life that I was moving on from.

But I had a reality check.

Ha, I even thought that I would represent an African American that actually made it and became something of himself from the kind of lifestyle that some people don’t live through.  What was I thinking….

I fucked up, and that’s the honest truth.  I would say that that’s the only real independent thing that I’ve ever done.  I can say with 100% confidence that no one is to blame but me for what my life is now.  I never should have thought that I would be someone in this world.  I never should have believed that I could make it.  And I definitely should have never thought that I could be truly happy.  What was I thinking….

What is there left to do?  Because of my stupidity and utter lack of intelligence, I’m not only losing my scholarship, but all the hard work that I thought I was doing was actually nothing.  I would have something to show for it if it wasn’t nothing, but all I have to show are my shit grades and a mouth full of ass that I’m gonna have to kiss.  Look at me, actually starting to consider myself an educated person….what was I thinking….

I’m a such a low point right now that the concepts of being humble and having humility aren’t remotely enough for me to show my face in public.  My thoughts are so confusing that I don’t know where to start.  It seems that everything that I’ve ever learned is wrong.  Or maybe I’m applying what I’ve learned wrong.  I have absolutely no one to relate to that is successful in life and I’m not even talking about in my immediate environment.  Honestly, I’ve never heard anyone say that I’m doing something right, and I think it’s time to listen.  If someone were to tell me that I’ve done something right I’d call them a liar.  Trying to be successful?  What was I thinking….

I don’t even know what to do with myself now.  I’ve disgraced my family, the few people that are the closest thing to what people interpret as friends, and myself.  What people can NEVER tell me that I didn’t try.  I tried being happy, I tried not being alone, I tried accepting myself flaws and all.  I’m done trying; it’s time to just be.  Be a failure at life, I can accept that.  The one thing that sucks tho….is that something inside of me just won’t give up.  It’s impossible for me to give up hope completely and that kills me inside.  I hope to do a lot of things that others are successful at, and then it never ends up right.  And I stupidly try it another way and that doesn’t work.  And I continue this cycle until I’m physically and emotionally spent.  Yes, I could have someone baby me my whole life and guide me through the motions on how to do things, but that’s THEM being successful at it, not ME.  But I’ll never give up simply because I’ve tried and failed at doing that as well.

Maybe I’m just being childish.  Maybe I have myself figured out completely wrong. Maybe these maybes are just me hoping that I’m wrong about being wrong.  Maybe I’m right about being wrong.  In my mind right now, I’m a waste of space.  I once thought about asking people about all the bad things that I’ve done to them to see if being my friend was worth it.  I never got around to asking it because 1) I’ve learned that people are apprehensive about telling me the truth and 2) I’m not sure how I would react to the answer that they would give me.  If you are reading this and know me personally, I would you to think about this.  And if you want, you can tell me the answer as long as it’s honest.

Is this life paying be back for all the bad things that I’ve ever done?  If it is, then touche karma.  Even if a person with all the right answers to end my suffering, it’s up to me to listen to it.  A close friend of mine grew up his whole life with people making decisions for him, and when it was time for him to be on his own he couldn’t do anything.  I tried so hard not to be like that, but it doesn’t work for me.  I once had to write an essay on the phrase “How shall we live?”.  The phrase comes from a book advocating Christianity, but it is nonetheless a question that I think of every second of every hour of every day.  How SHOULD I live?  Should I live my life like my homie and let people make my decisions for me?  Should I continue to try to be independent and keep failing like I already have?

What have I been doing?  What haven’t I been doing?  What am I doing now?  What should I be thinking?  How should I live?  What’s right and what’s wrong?

Even considering that I could effectively express the way I was feeling in words in the form of this blog that technically I’m not suppose to be writing till after my hiatus was over…..what was I thinking?

Peace

(p.s. – for the readers of this blog, let me be alone please.  Even though it’s rare to get comments, please don’t comment on this.  Just let this blog be what it is.  If I could ever ask anyone of anything right now, it would be to let me figure this shit out on my own because who knows what will happen if I hear anything pertaining to “you have to figure this out on your own”.  Much love and appreciation and no disrespect, but just let it be for this one and support indirectly if you really care enough to. Thank ya.)