The Death of the Young Man James Shonin Kelly III

That’s right Cody, it’s almost time, but not quite yet.

Similar to the way death is viewed in New Orleans, this is a cause for celebration, not of worry and sadness.

But I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who understands what I’m talking about right now….

So, let me give y’all the background story so I can explain the title.

Back in high school, when Myspace was all the rage, I used to see girls all the time try to make themselves appear older than they actually are.  For example, I’d see them in crazy ass poses trying to look cute or call someone out in an attempt to sound like someone you shouldn’t fuck around with.  While shaking my head at this sight, I noticed that they would also say stuff like “Realest bitch alive” or “On my grown woman status” or some other exaggerated phrase like that.  I was then when I decided to, in my attempt to be realistic, post this as my status for a good little while:

“Not on my grown man status yet, but working on my young man status”

I figured some people would appreciate the realness (i.e. my homie Cody, etc.) of this statement, but as I thought about it more, the more it became clear that this statement was a lot truer than what I had originally imagined.  I was around 16ish when I wrote this and knew for damn sure that I couldn’t call myself a grown man, but I questioned as to whether I could call myself a young man yet.  I sure, I had a job and did many things that may coincide with being a young man, but I wasn’t sure if I felt like one.

As blogged about by my homie Jalessa ( http://purplemisundertanding.wordpress.com/2010/08/17/is-age-really-nothing-but-a-number/ ), there are many factors involved in determining the maturity of a person.

Now, four years later, I am now 20 years old and I still do not know the answer that same question.

Therefore,

As of 11:06 pm,  Thursday, 10/21/2010

I officially revoke my status of young man, grown man, or any label related to either one.

From this point on, I am pronouncing my perception of these concepts, when pertaining to myself, dead.

What does this death signify and what does it mean in the grand scheme of things?  Simply put, this death will put me on the right path to where I can stand on my two feet, without any discrepancy from anyone, say “I am a Man.”  And in all actuality, you’re not the one who determines if you are a man or not anyways.  Nah, your family, your friends, the society you live in, and ultimately, the whole world watches your words and actions closely to determine whether you are worthy of that title or not.  Besides, claiming that you are a grown man is not only redundant because being a man in our connotation of the world implies that you already grown, but will also (more often than not) make you seem even less of a man if you have to make it be known verbally.

If anything, I consider myself to be more of a child than anything else.  Part of it is because I disagree with some things that my environment teaches me that I need to do in order to be a man, but a lot of it is due to my reluctant nature to fully immerse myself into anything.  Honestly, I have been exposed to so many conflicting thoughts and concepts that I’ve been led to believe is the right way to achieve the things that I want/need in my life that I almost don’t even know how to respond to a lot of things.  Even the way I talk and think is a 24/7 struggle.  I recently came across a term that sort of coincides with what I’m experiencing:  cognitive dissonance.

So here I am,

living up to my family name Baby James (BJ) for once…..

*sigh*

Right now, I’m still slightly sick with a headache from sleep deprivation while technically failing at least 3 out of 4 of my classes.  I’m trying to get in shape, but I have no time to go to the gym and I can’t run as much as I need to because body physically can’t keep up with my energy; and when I force it to I end up in pain to where I can’t even run for a few days.  My cell phone is fucked up and my car are broken, but guess what?  Still gotta pay insurance and my phone bill.  I’m usually not able to work more than around 14 hours a week and I need to save money more than ever to survive while on study abroad.  I’m starving and dehydrated a lot of the time because water and most things that are healthy for me are disgusting and don’t fill me up and I can’t force myself to each too much of it to fill me up or else I’ll puke.

My family is in shambles and there’s next to nothing I can physically do about it.  No one in my immediate circle of friends like doing the things that I like to do that require more than just myself.  I’m not consistent in the practice of my religion.  I can’t even pretend that I know how to speak, read, or write in Japanese compared to the level I’m suppose to be at.  And last but not most certainly not least, I’m single.

I’m not saying these things for pity or anything related to that; all I’m doing is stating what my reality is at this point in time.  For the ones that go around trying to solve people’s problems as if they haven’t tried it already or as if aren’t smart enough to try the things you will probably suggest anyway:  try listening and understanding first before you judge.  As for me, understand what I have done and haven’t done before you judge my situation.  And keep in mind that you can never know what it’s like to be in a situation like this unless….well…you’ve actually been in a situation EXACTLY like this before.

No secrets, no bull.  Everything you read above is who James Shonin Kelly III is right now.

I do my best to bring everything that I’ve got onto the table every time I blog when it comes to my life.

So now that everyone who reads or hears about this blog knows what’s really going on, me working on solving these issues would be the logical thing to do.  In consequence of doing that, I have decided to take a break in blogging.  I know, I know,  my consistent 10 readers will be upset, but let me clarify what I mean by this.  Technically, this blog makes my 30th blog that I’ve posted since starting in July.  I need some time to self reflect, so I won’t be writing about my life for a little while.  I will, however, be posting blogs about my travels to China and Mexico in a separate category from the ones that I’ve been posting this semester.  I never want to forget what I experienced in these trips but my thoughts are too detailed; I physically cannot keep up with my thoughts when I write on paper, but I can do pretty well when I type.  Now that I blog, it’s a perfect way to organize these thoughts.

So yeah, that’s it.

In conclusion, perceive me as what you want for now, but I promise that one day you will see me as a man.  Happy 30th Blog Post for me!!!!!  And after this break, I’m pretty sure that I will approach the way I blog differently, but in my absence please don’t forget about me.

Last but not least, I posted on Facebook that I was disappearing for a little while.  What I mean is I won’t have my cell phone, skype, facebook, myspace, aim, yahoo, or anything like that on until at the latest next Friday.  I’ll still be on campus and go to classes and stuff, so you’ll see me around.  But, I’ll always be on the move, so if I seem like I’m always in a rush, it’s because I am.  I’ll do my best not to come across as short or mean or anything of that nature.  I’m clarifying this because I realize that the implication of me running away can be derived from the way I had to write it on Facebook (you can only write 200 or so characters for ya status), which is definitely not the case haha.  But I promise I will get back to all of you as soon as I return.

To my family, remaining friends, and everyone else that matters – Be easy and be successful in whatever it is that you do.  And keep this in the back of your mind:  Being flawless is not the same thing as being perfect.  But I think that will be the title of my return blog.

Until then, See Ya Later

James Shonin Kelly III aka Snowfield Rhapsody

#school #death #growth #thoughts #life #family #rebirth