Sorry For Being An Asshole

Since one particular blog that I posted when I was at my all-time lowest, I told myself that I wouldn’t post another blog slandering/smearing/mud-sling/etc. myself again out respect for my readers and for respect for myself.  I know how much of a fuck-up I am, so why sh0uld I put it out for everyone to see?  I’m stronger than that and if I want people to see that I can’t go around posting everything that I think.

Another thing that I vowed to do, which also pertains to the main point of this entry, was to act in a way that would not end up in me apologizing if I could help it.  Yes, I have gotten better about it but I’m still no way near to the point of how I want to be.  The main reason is because I’m simply tired.  Just plain tired.  And when I’m tired, it’s reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy hard for me to put effort into things.  I already put in a lot (maybe too much) of effort to maintain relationships as it is. When the (two/three) people that do unconditionally talk to me, I feel so bad because I’m too drained to really want to talk.  I believe I touched on this in my Bathing Thoughts blog, but I had to re-visit this to get y’all up to speed on how I’m livin.  I’ll  be going to the doctor to see if this exhaustion is nothing more than me just catching up on sleep…

One thing that I haven’t really touched on too much is how I feel about conversations with people.  I think I should become more comfortable with awkward silence because I’m tired of trying to create small talk.  Having good conversation usually leads to a pleasant experience, but it takes at least effort on both sides for that to happen.  Shit, the best conversations are ones that you can enjoy with no effort at all.  That’s what I miss about high school, talkin/cakin on the phone for hours with people who enjoy your existence talking about things that are pretty much insignificant, yet those moments shape your life.  Most conversations that I have now feel so strained that I end up being the one that talks too much; and for the people that really know me, I’m the least likely in a group of people to be the talkative one.  But time and time again, if I try to let them facilitate the conversation, it just becomes silence.  Awkward silence.  Which then provokes me to try and save the conversation…see the cycle?

Looking down on others is something that I extremely dislike (every time I use the word hate someone usually berates me for one reason or another) so I do my best to place blame on myself first.  What if I’m forcing something that’s not meant to be?  The possibility of me having bad social karma seems to be a viable thought…or as another friend told me, “Maybe are just over-analyzing things?”  She has no idea how happy that would make me to be wrong about this, but I’ve been down this road too many times for me to rule out these potentialities.

I guess the real question is: What will it take for me to be happy/satisfied?  Stop being tired all the time for one, having an enjoyable, relaxing, non-strained or stressful conversation would be kinda dope, being successful in one endeavor that I’m working on would be amazing, and not being seen as a scary person would be cool.  That’s what I forgot to mention, I’ve never in my life been told that I was a scary person until I came to Soka.  As a matter of fact, people tried to play me by callin me soft compared to the niggas I used to chill with.  Now I have to be extra charismatic just so people won’t be frozen with fear when I approach them.  I know the readers from back home will either be laughing their ass off, shaking their head, or be confused as to what I am talking about, but the Soka readers will understand.  If this is the case at an American University, then I’m gonna have one hell of a time in Japan making friends…

This blog will end with me apologizing if I’ve seen distant, uninterested, and/or an asshole recently.  I promise it’s not on purpose, I guess I just don’t know how to act around the people around me.  My bad.  It’s time for me to get ready to peace out from the job and hit the bed.  I would run, but it takes time for me to get ready, time to run, time to shower, etc. and I have to be to class by 8 for a field trip.  The night time creatures don’t like me when I run at night anyways…

Goodnight – PNBE

Snowfield Rhapsody