Restless

It’s always an issue when you want to be/do something when your actions denote something else.  Well, maybe actions isn’t the best description for what I mean.  Alright, let me explain it like this:  I’m the type of person that is pretty easy to read when I have any sort of stronger-than-normal emotions that I’m dealing with.  Unfortunately for me, the ones that show the most, or at least the ones that people pick up on most of all, are the negative ones.  Right now, the feeling that I have is restlessness.  And to be completely truthful, it’s a pretty bad feeling.

From many of my other blogs, I’m sure as an audience you have noticed that I am very conscientious about time.  Not so much in terms of being on time, knowing what date it is, always looking at the clock, etc. but in terms of how long things take and how much of my life I will have to use on it.  I’m realizing more how precious time is to me and I want to make the most of it, but I end up thinking about things too much and missing the things that are right in front of me.  However, when I do concentrate on the now I usually end up not being prepared to deal with what’s to come and end up in a regrettable situation in the future.  I wonder if there is a word for people like me who always has crap luck when it comes to harmonizing between two difficult ways of thinking?

In terms of time and my restlessness and this situation, I have 11 days left in this country.  Part of me is really ready to come back, but for all of the wrong reasons.  I’m ready to run away from all the mistakes that I’ve made in this country.  I’m ready to go back home so that I can have control over the way I live my life.  I’m even shocked to admit this myself, but I’m ready to go back home to mom because I’m tired of stress of starving and being misunderstood.  Life is stressful at home, which is a good part of why I don’t like going home, but different stress is at least a change of pace.  I’m also ready to get away from school.  I love studying Japanese but it’s extremely annoying always doing it for a grade.  I hate it even more because I’ve had to make sure to keep my grades up so that I can get my scholarship back next semester.  When I return, at least I can leisurely study Japanese.  And from what I see, people get immensely better at language during times of self-study.  There are many ups and downs of studying abroad, and I find myself wanting to run back home with my tail between my legs because of these downs.

If I am ready to return home for various reasons, whether bad or not, then what is the source of my restlessness?  Is it that I’m ready to return home and am restless because time cannot get here fast enough?  If you know me well enough, then you already know the answer to this question.  If you don’t know me well enough, then now is a good time to learn that this is completely the opposite of the way I’m thinking right now.  In fact, I’m restless BECAUSE time is moving too fast.  There are so many things that I want to do with the reality being that I probably won’t be able to do almost any of them.  I want to do sooo many things in such a short amount of time so that I can see everything that I want to see.  If I save the things that I want to do until my next trip to Japan, I’ll have less time to do even more new things.  I always want to be on the move, always want to see new things, always want to do new things; I want to consume many experiences as much as possible so that I can think new things, meet important people, solidify relationships, understand how the world works, and grow.

I Want To Live

Due to many extenuating circumstances, however, I am not able to live this way.  One reason is that I do not have cash (of course) and that I have many things that I must do before going back home.  One of the bigger reasons, the one that troubles me the most, is the difference in the way that time is viewed by people other than me.  As a way of respecting people and their time, I do my best to get to know them better as fast as possible.  I think this way because  even though people admit that this is wrong, it is human instinct to assume the nature of a person when you first meet them.  And usually 90% of the time that assumption is wrong.  To avoid this, I get to know them so that I have the most accurate impression of who they are.  Plus, I don’t know when the next time I will be able to come back to Japan; no one can predict the future and I may never have a chance to come back.  Being a person who wants a life with as few regrets as possible is another reason for the kind of thinking that I have.  This kind of thinking is what ends up causing problems for me.

Many people are assured that they will come back to Japan in the future, hence them having different goals than me.  For example, if I want to hang out with my friends because of this reason and because I don’t know when I’ll be able to see them again in life, many give off the impression that they are not concerned with this because they will be able to come back and do those things with the same people if they wanted to.  In terms of hanging with Japanese people that I have met, when I want to do things with them in such a hurried way they are hesitant.  I’ve learned that Japanese culture is a very slow-paced one and anything done with a sense of urgency is off-putting.  So even if I want to do many things with them because I will miss them, they often state that they are too busy or put-off by the sudden urgency of the situation.

So, there it is.  The reason for my restlessness.  I have such a little bit of time left, yet in my haste to do what I want I am fucking up things with my friends.  These people mean a lot to me, and yet I can’t even hang out with them before I leave.  Some would begin to question the kind of friends these people are, but I’m neither willing nor have the time to debate the genuineness of their friendship nor do I want to fight with Japan’s culture again because I already learned that there is no winning.

Regardless of this, I will do what I can with what I have.  I’ll just have to do better in regards to hiding my restlessness in my actions, speech, mannerisms, etc.  I think I need acting lessons though lol

PNBE

Snowfield Rhapsody

P.S. – Shout out to my homie’s blog Accidentally Thinking.  The blog titled “Money” that is hyperlinked is synonymous with many ideas that I have within this blog.  He’s also adept at poetry and very opinionated, so show him some love and hopefully he can become a source of inspiration to you as he is to me.

Another blog that will definitely get your thinking juices flowing is my homie’s blog [Eight and a Half].  With an emphasis on soulful art and music, the art displayed will give birth to inexplicable feelings that can’t be expressed in the 1,000 word limit of a regular photo.  As thanks for allowing me to freely think about the way he interprets his world, this blog serves as a reminder that not everything can, nor should be, expressed in mere text.

Last but not least, this blog いじわる　belongs to an aspiring writer who also is from the same university as I and has been here in Japan with me.  To get a perspective of living in Japan as a foreign woman in addition to having a separate experience of ups and downs from me, this blog is one that will have you thinking about things from a different light.  Also, if you ask her about her short stories she will be happy to share (they’re damn good).

Finally, I changed the layout of my profile, so hopefully you like the new look.  Please don’t be afraid to check out any of the links that I posted within the blog and do not hesitate to re-blog any of these blogs/posts (including mine) that you enjoy reading. Also, if you want access to any of the locked blogs, just ask and I’ll send it to you.  If you’ve read a locked one before, then the password is the same.  I’ll keep them the same for the readers that bother to care about the locked ones.

#school #restless #friends #life #japan #time #thinking #family #questioning