On That Day, I Cried…

Yes I cried.  No, I wasn’t sobbing hysterically or making lots of noise, but two little tears did drop from my eyes.

But I’ll get into more of that later.

Right now, mentally I’m at a standstill.  I don’t how to think. ….

What should I be doing to enjoy my last days at home?  Am I ready to begin a new year?  What do I need to do in order to be prepared for…..life?  The future?

Here’s something that made me happy.  This summer I got to chill wit sum homies that I used to walk the streets with.  Although I’m not involved with their current line of work, we still got history and we still fam, and it was cool chillin with a few of the people that I thought I had lost forever.

I was hoping to avoid puttin this out, but I need to get it off my chest.  But I’ll keep it anonymous:

To you:  I ain’t appreciate the way that you handled that situation.  Just because you can’t handle your own shit that don’t mean that you come and drop off yo unwanted shit on me.  That’s fine tho, my eyes are open now.  I’m now acknowledging things that I should have in the past.  I kinda knew it was one sided, but now I’ve just come to terms with it.  Either you learn how to treat people with respect, then idk if we can be as close as we have been.

To You:  This is no one’s fault.  From what I’ve been reading, and from being an outside person looking inside and from being a guy, this was coming a mile away.  I am under the impression that you knew this was going to happen, maybe not like this, but it was going to happen.  And believe it or not, I am also under the impression that a small part of you knew that this may be better for you mentally.  Of course, there are things that you haven’t told me, and that’s fine.  Don’t be so spiteful.  And some growing up would help too.

To YOU:  You are so innocent and honest.  Thank you.  And sorry.  About everything.  You can blame me too if you want.  You are the only one who has my permission.

To you…:  How dare you.  Or I should say…really?  Maybe things will be different when you get older.  Or….maybe I’m the one that doesn’t make sense.  Sorry, I did kinda mess up, but on the real, I’ll let you do you while you keep having these hidden expectations for me, iight?  Sorry for not conforming to your idea of how I should be, or how you want things to be, if I don’t even know what those expectations are.

You too:  You.  I won’t give up on you.  I’m the only one that knows you, yet know nothing about ‘you’.  But even if it leads to fighting, blood, sweat,  and tears I promise we will get it together.

and to YOU:  Maybe I’m deluding myself…or hoping for what probably will never be.  Maybe I don’t want it anymore like I used to….but I will be by your side as long as you are by mine.

but let me not forget about you:  We’ve known each other for years, but I don’t think it’s going anywhere.  Really.  But we planned for this, and you know things will be if we did go that route.  Sorry on my part?

and last but not least, yoU:  You’re an interesting person and I can’t wait to see what else comes out of you.

By the way, if you think any of these you’s refer to you, they might.

Unfortunately for me, I will have to return home during winter break to get my wisdom teeth removed or else I would have just spent Christmas Break in Cali.  Am I ready to face Soka?  That’s the real question to myself.  How much will I really push myself when I go back?  Am I prepared for what I expect out of myself?

I’ll leave this as another short blog.  I’m kind of mentally spent.  I’ll go read this book that I recently bought and study Japanese.

……Oh.

The Title.

Right…..

On that day, maybe last Thursday, I went to a lil tea shop called Top Hat.  It was 12 mins before they were about to close, but since I was the only customer, they let me stay as long as I wanted.  I had many things on my mind and to treat myself a little, I bought their specialty Stawberry Tea.  I knew the food was good there because I had been there once before, so I decided that I would try one of their home-made fresh scones since the last time I was too full to eat one.

I waited.

10 mins later, I was surprised by a butterfly shaped scone with sugar sprinkled on top.  Two spreads were accompanied with the scone; one was a butter-like spread and the other a lemon-scented spread.  Using proper dining etiquette, I broke off a piece of scone, lightly applied both spreads to the piece, as suggested by the owner, and lightly popped the warm piece of scone into my mouth.

I cried.

This particular scone was so exquisite that it made me pause so that I could comprehend what I was actually tasting.  It tasted better than any high I have ever experienced and it made me think.  It made me appreciate life.  It made me realize that no matter how badly things are going in my life, there is always a chance to appreciate that things aren’t as bad as they could be.  The first bite wasn’t what made me cry, but everything together, including the magnificent taste of the scone contributing to this revelation, was what caused these pure tears of happiness to fall.

One stream from each side of my face representing pure happiness, a feeling that I could rival with that of enlightenment, any form of euphoria, and ecstasy, all from an instant of pure bliss.

Even though 1o mins after consuming that delectable scone my car runs out of gas in the middle of 5 hour traffic, my mind has been in a positive light, despite many things within my life that aim to keep me from obtaining this happiness.

With memories of that moment, I will move into the future with a positive mindset.

Thanks for reading

Peace N Be Easy (PNBE)

James Shonin Kelly III