Oh, No! Two Blogs Back To Back?!

Ok, fuck this.  I’ve been sittin around all day after having such a good day and I realized something.

My Life Sucks.

Oh, don’t get me wrong here; my life could be a hell of a lot worse.  What I mean is, my life isn’t exciting at all.  Fuck, this is what I was afraid of growing up.

See, when I was growing up, I always wanted to do adult things, or rather, things that I think adults get to do.  I tried to do these things so much that I was often called “An old soul” and was told to enjoy my youth.  For example, I always wanted to party, travel, and various other things involving the two.  My mother always told me to wait and do these things when you are older, but here’s my argument even still till this day:  Adults always say enjoy your youth, right?  That when you get older, you don’t have many opportunities to do the things you want to do right?  Well if that’s the case, then why not do everything in my power to do everything that I want to do while I can?

Here’s where I’m going with this:  I Do Not Want To Spend My Summer In A House Playing Video Games When I Could Be Meeting People And Partying And Enjoying Life!!!!!! I didn’t want to cap that whole sentence, but I did want to show my utter disdain, hatred, unlike, disliking of this whole situation.  Man, when I was a little younger, I wanted to make friends that had the same thing in mind like me:  Party, Study, Meet New People, Have Deep Conversations, Travel, and Party, all while maturing into adulthood.  The way I keep talking about Adulthood means that I’m still a child, but not in age since I’m about to be 2o in less than a month.

Fuck this, I’m going to do something fun everyday until I go back to Florence, SC.  Then there, I’m going to have fun every night as well so I won’t feel like I’m wasting my youth and so I won’t ever say “Man, I should have done this when I have the chance”.  A life of no regrets is what I strive for- so why am I not striving hard enough?

*sigh*

One thing that I hate about blogging:  I can’t be truthful about everything.  I have no problem divulging information about myself when asked, but I’ve never been one to willingly give out information on myself.  Why?  Because I’ve fucked myself over too many times to reveal info without being asked.  Also, I was highly offended by someone once like this: (me) “Hey, how you doin?” (NO (abbreviation)) “I’m doin good.” (me) “That’s what’s up, I’m just chillin, still tryna wake up.” (NO) “But I didn’t ask you how you were doing.”

I mention this because it sucks blogging when I’m just posting my FILTERED thoughts for a mostly unknown audience that I get no feedback from.  It’s kind of like talking to a wall about what’s on ya mind, but instead of telling it everything, you filter out people’s names, things you don’t want people to judge you on, etc. because of who may be on the other side.  Yeah, the personal blogs I could protect it with a password, or restrict it in some way, but if I wanted to do that I could just write in my own journal where it would be just me and my thoughts.

What really sucks about this whole situation though is that I don’t have anyone to vent on really.  There is really only one or two people in this world who I can tell absolutely everything about me, what I’ve done, what I think about, what I truly think of them, etc.  It’s hard to be 100% truthful for two reasons:  1) What I truly think and the way I act are almost completely different.  That’s not because I’m being fake or anything, it’s just because I have no control over the initial thoughts, feelings, etc. that happen in every day experiences.  So usually when I react to something in an angry or annoyed or any negative reaction like that, it’s probably because I haven’t had time to suppress my initial reaction.  That happens all the time when I’m in a rush (i.e. – when I’m instructing someone to do something at work, need help with something, etc.).  Because of this, people would be really surprised about what I think of them.

2) If someone isn’t 100% with me, then I take it as this:  You do not trust me enough to be 100% truthful.  If you don’t trust me, why should I trust you?  Why should I waste my time telling you everything that is James Shonin Kelly III if I’m not even worthy of the same respect/treatment?  Fuck that, you do you and Imma do me.  You be as truthful to me as you want me to be to you.  And I’ve only found 2-3 people that are willing to be 100% truthful to me.  Shit, I have a better chance of some random shawty being more truthful with me than one of my friends.

So yeah, my life is like a formspring forum- Ask me any questions and I’ll answer them truthfully.

Shit is only as bad as you allow it to be.  Yeah, if you’re heart broken, goin thru shit, etc. that you have no control over, then you can still do something to curve those things back into your control.  And if you have no control whatsoever, then vent to someone (even if it’s yourself) and keep on trying.

You know….

I want to go a whole week without talking.

Just to see what people would say.  How would they act?

Would people think that I was crazy or something?  Would people not react at all….

Aight, I’m done.  I’m going to respond to each and everyone that has tried to contact me recently now.

Email, text, Facebook comments, calls, skype messages, etc.

Next time I blog, I’ll try to do it all in the form of a Verbal Tennis match with myself.

That’ll be interesting…..

Sorry if I repeated topics or said something that I’ve said already.

P N BE (Peace N Be Easy)

James Shonin Kelly III