My Eyes Are Tired, But My Body Isn’t

Have you ever had that feeling?

That feeling of wanting to go to sleep….

but you can’t?

You’re not tired….but you are.

Yeah. That’s how I feel at the moment.

Let me start off this blog with a question:  Is a relationship worth pursuing any further than it already is if the person you are in a relationship with annoys you?  Say they are a good friend, but conversations and/or situations involving this person more often than not annoys you.  Would you still want to be friends with them?

How about this:  What if you are afraid of a friend?  Say they are a good friend, but you are scared to show them the real you or scared to tell them something about you that could get you in trouble because you are scared of what they might do when you make them mad?  Should you still be friends with them?

Last question:  What if your good friend was a moocher?  You know, the one that just happens to avoid paying for things all the time, always takes free things, takes advantage of people/things, etc.

Believe me or not, these questions aren’t necessarily directed at anyone currently within my life but nonetheless I have encountered these situations.  And to me, these questions aren’t just black and white.

I won’t attempt to answer in depth my own questions because it’s hard to put in words how I feel about situations like that.  A really quick answer would be that I don’t know.  In the past I’ve just done what felt right vs. what I wasn’t comfortable with because I myself am a pretty cut and dry person.  I’d prefer things to be black and white so that things are less confusing and things could get done quicker, but anything dealing with emotions is never that easy.  I could go on and on about this, but I’ll move on.

I kind of wish times were still like the 70’s.  People used to go out and party and have more fun than I think people have nowadays.  Going to the club now is way more serious than back then.  People were happy, freer in thought, and did crazy things and this was the norm.  I don’t wish to go back in time and grow up in the 70’s, but I do wish that our generation embodied the same energy as the 70’s.

I think I’m influenced by people too much.

Since being in college, maybe even before, I don’t think that I’ve been listening to myself much.  The problem is, I don’t know what’s good for me lol.  If it was left up to me, at this point in time, I’d say fuck everyone and everything that doesn’t make me happy and I’d just do what makes me happy.  The only problem with that is that that side of myself (let’s say side B) thinks waaaay too much in the now and is too impulsive and tends to get me into trouble.  On the other hand, my intellectual side (let’s say side J) basically tells B to calm the fuck down and think about the future.  But I’m pretty sure you know what happens to someone who lives only in the future- they end up regretting their past.

The obvious answer to this dilemma would be to just take the middle ground and do a little of both.  I really wish it was that simple.  And this is part of the me being black and white that I don’t like.  I feel as though when I choose both sides of something I always receive the brunt of the negative things from both sides.  Then that makes me retreat from siding at all.

Another fear that I have (kinda) is the fear of knowing my limits.  Here’s an example:  I completely fail at playing tennis.  This weekend I played tennis with my homie in order to learn how to play.  Well, near the end I barely/slightly improved somewhat, but I was still flustered.  I was once asked by someone “Why is it that you always take the hardest ways to do things?”.  Well, I never choose to do anything the hardest way on purpose I assured that person lol.  Unfortunately for me, it just so happens that the way I do things in order to comprehend the situation or the method to deal with the situations just turns out to be the only way I know how to do things.

Maybe because I’ve always been thrown into situations where I’ve always been the worst is why I’m so afraid of knowing my limits.  Surprisingly, or maybe not, it all relates to me being alone.  I don’t think I’m a monophobic, but I do believe that I am similar to a person with monophobia.  And I may be wrong about this, but this is what I think my fear is using the tennis situation:  I’m the only one in my immediate group of friends who is willing to play tennis who actually can’t’ play—> I realize the limits of my tennis playing ability will be far below everyone else because they’ve been doing it longer and because I just don’t have skill in it —> When they want to play tennis, they will just play amongst themselves because they are tired of teaching and they actually want to play the game that they like for real —> I’m no longer asked to play tennis with them when they play —> less time chilling with them —> alone when they are playing tennis accompanied by negative feelings.

And this may seem flawed to some people, but I guarantee that this sort of situation has happened to everyone, whether they were the victims or the ones doing the distancing.  Come on, no one wants to play with the person that sucks at whatever it is that you are doing, etc.  Well, I could just try to surround myself with people who also suck at tennis, but then you have to find the ones that do suck vs. the ones that actually want to play.  I could just try to find friends that like doing the same things as myself, but what if there is no one?  What if someone did like doing the things that you like to do, but they are a moocher, annoying, or you’re afraid of them?  See how everything relates to each other?  And sadly, I feel as though these maybe’s and what if’s are what actually are in my life.

Hmm…if I could sum up what I’ve been saying so far in to one good question I guess it would be like this:  Is the pursuit of something that will never be worth the pursuit?

I would go on, but I don’t have that kind of time nor the will to keep talking about this.  I would, however, appreciate feedback on that question.  Also, keep in mind that you don’t have to have a blog in order to leave a comment on this blog…..so hit me up with what you think.

School, friends, relationships (or the wishing of one), life, etc….

It’s a lot to think about.

But I’m doing my best to fulfill my goals that I established this summer.  So right now I’m doing a study binge.  What’s a study binge?  Of course it’s a binge of studying, (you don’t need to think in order to establish that) but for some people who haven’t actually done a study binge before here’s how it generally goes:  For an extended amount of time (my binge is a week), one studies as long as that person is awake.  When you’re in the shower, brushing your teeth, eating dinner, taking a dump, talking with people, etc. you should be studying.  It could be as simple as practicing your numbers in a language that you are studying, reflecting on a movie that you watched in class, etc. as long as you are being productive in any area of study at any given point is the whole purpose of a study binge.  Constantly being saturated in what you are trying to learn using various senses as been proven to help the retention of information.  Of course, any sort of binging has its drawbacks, but when you are done with your study binge, I assure you that you will be a lot better off in whatever subject(s) you studied during your binge.

I encourage people to try it.  Even if you don’t do it 100%, at least your mind will be more focused on whatever subject you want to get better on, and to me that’s better than nothing.  I don’t know how to study properly and I have never known how to, but at least I’m getting my work done as opposed to when I wasn’t binging.  And if I get on top of my work, it’s easier to stay on top instead of falling behind.

In addition to this study binge, I’m doing my best to maintain a positive outlook on things.  I’m tired of being in a negative mood and it helps to motivate me in all aspects of my life.  Yes, I’m so afraid to do so many things that I have to physically convince myself that I’m not going to die nor am I going to screw up the rest of my life by doing it.  But it’s all good, I’m working things out.

At the end of every blog, I sign off by telling everyone peace and to be easy.  I haven’t been embodying that within my life to the fullest and I would like to change that as of now.

Everyone, on the real, Peace N Be Easy (and I’ll do the same)

James Shonin Kelly III

~Snowfield Rhapsody~

P.S.- Maybe I can go to sleep now? Haha nah, I couldn’t even if I wanted to.  Too much hw to sleep.  No rest for the weary I guess…

#happiness #me #doubt #stress #life #questioning #college