Dissociative Thinking

2 Months Left.

That’s all the time that I have left.

For the past two weeks I’ve been in a sort of…numb stupor if you will.  Not physically, but mentally.  When I think back to when I first got here, I was using Japanese left and right even though I sucked.  Now I’m only slightly better, but frustration has been deterring me from speaking Japanese as much as possible.  I’ve felt so useless these past couple of weeks for mainly two reasons: $ and language barriers.

But, I refuse to sit here and let things hinder me from having a good time.  On the other hand, I can’t just sit back and ignore these things as if they aren’t any sort of hindrance at all.  It’s more difficult to find people who are, like myself, willing to make their Japanese better even though it’s shit.  Most of the people around me either are fluent enough to have conversations that are above my comprehension level or doesn’t put the same emphasis on wanting to become fluent.  That’s not a bad thing, it just sucks being in between these two situations.  It’s also a bit of a bother when the Japanese people you hang out with immediately switch to English if your Japanese is shit or if you ask them to repeat something even once.  They are trying to be nice, but I think I’ll be more adamant about them speaking to me in Japanese.  If they aren’t willing to accommodate my shitty ability, then I will just have to speak even more Japanese until they don’t want to be friends with me or they accept it.

2 months…then 2 weeks in China…then…home…

Many times I wish I didn’t have to think.  I wish I could just shut off my brain from thinking for just 10 mins.  It’s bad enough just trying to concentrate on everything that’s going on here in Japan, but concentrating on things back home as well multiplies the stress more than what anyone would ever want to experience.  I’ve been so scatterbrained thinking about so many things at once that I’m forgetting how to have conversations with people.  Hopefully I’ll be able to change that mindset from here on out.

Have you ever been in a situation where you are so detached with what’s going on that you feel as if you’re looking at yourself from another perspective?  Yeah, that’s been me.  But I can change that.  Even if I don’t know what is going on at all, I’ll do better.  I’m useless enough as it is- I may not be at rock bottom but I’m damn close- I can’t allow myself to just throw my controller down saying, “Fuck this game” even if I am losing in this game we call “life”.  I can’t go out like that, right?

I’m sooooooooooooo exhausted though.

I have no energy for anything, but It’s gotta come from somewhere.  I just gotta tap into that somewhere and hold onto it tightly.  Especially with this language, I gotta think, breathe, eat, and experience Japanese.  And call me childish, but I truly believe that I can do just about anything I put my mind to.  I may not be the best at it, but just about anything is possible.  People are born with different circumstances and I’ve accepted that I’m not one of those people where life comes easy.  Nah, I’m the opposite- nothing comes easy and absolutely everything takes work.  Not just regular work, but hard work.  I’m ok with accepting this, however, within me working hard, I just wish things came easier sometimes.

My apologizes to the readers of this blog, I know it’s all over the place.  I’m getting it together though, I promise.  And this blog isn’t suppose to be negative in tone or anything, just recounting the recent past, the current present, and the inevitable future.

Putting every ounce of energy into each baby step that I take from here on out should put me where I want to be.  All I have to do is just have the courage to make the first step.

Snowfield Rhapsody