Candy Children, Being Normal, and I Ain’t No Bitch Ass Hoe Onye/Kevin

Just because I been away for a good min doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on this blog. On the contrary, I’ve been thinking about so many things that it physically impossible (at least with the time that I have) to type everything that has crossed my mind.  Man, sometimes I wish I was Socrates: Chillin all day just asking metaphysical questions to random people. Just, you know, without the whole dying/being a martyr thing at the end haha.

Anyways, last Friday and Saturday I attended my first ever RAVE. It was an incredible experience.  Nah, I did not do ecstasy but I did have the time of my life.  While all of the drugs, happiness, chill people, dehydration, overdosing, light shows, laughter, profane language, freedom, security officers, deadmau5, and candy exchanges were going on, on top of all of it you had electric house music there to bring you over the top of the apex into a world of pure euphoria.  And I experienced this without drugs haha.  There is so much I could say about raving or about the crazy time I had at the 2010 Electric Daisy Carnival, but for one to truly understand what I mean one would have to go to a rave.  Only when you let yourself go will you be able to understand why people enjoy raves.  All I can say is that ravers can be comparable to modern-day hippies. Looks like I might be a Candy Child for a good while….

EDC was one of the few things that I have had an amazing time without any real hitches.  So many things in my life have been conditional that I, even still to this day, have a hard time trying to believe in things; especially if ultimately it’s not up to me.  That’s why I strive to be average.  Yeah, average.  At least in an average life I get some of the things that I work my ass off for unconditionally.  I would like to think that because I go through these hardships that it makes me a stronger person, but I’d rather be happy than be a stronger person most of the time.  *sigh* I’ll leave it at that for now, but I’ll probably elaborate more on this later.

As for the rest of life, things are moving by way too quickly as usual.  I can’t even really refer to adults as something that I am not anymore because in a month’s time I will no longer be a teenager.  If I’m not an adolescent or a teenager nor a kid anymore, what then does that make me?  An Adult.  Maybe a beginning, young adult, but a young adult nonetheless.  I think a lot of people my age may agree with me but may not think of this as seriously as I do.  I’m so conflicted on how to handle this though when my thinking and theirs conflicts with each other.  For example, if I’m trying to handle business like an adult but someone I’m around that I somewhat depend on doesn’t place the same emphasis on what I think needs to be done, then either I’m stuck doing it or I end up looking like the asshole.  And even then it still might not be done.  Man, I can see why my mother (at times) got so angry at me for not doing things as a kid.  But I had my reasons as a kid and I still stick by them even though I have learned a lot being away from home on my own.

I wonder what would happen if I did meet someone who was exactly like me one day.  Would I hate him because I know what kind of person he really is?  Would I make him my best friend because he is like minded on everything?  Would we be able to talk about different things despite being almost exactly similar?  Who knows…..

Yeah, this blog will be kinda long because I haven’t posted in a long while.  I wanna talk about my past for a bit.  Yeah, I’m not sure what all people know about me, but I my high school years were interesting to say the least.  I would say the only person who really knows more than others about what kind of person I was in high school would be my sister, which is why she hated a lot of the things that she saw me do.  I wonder what she really thinks of me now…But I do know that she strongly disliked who I was in high school.  And, under some respects, she has a reason to.  But also, I was very misunderstood by many people as well.  Maybe I only make sense to myself?  Or maybe because I do things differently than what normal people would do in certain situations.  Maybe I think to much….

Anyways, back to the main point.  I wanted to apologize to all the people that I have fucked over in my life.  Most were unintentional, but for the few that weren’t, I’m so sorry.  This seems to be a common theme in my life in more than one way, but when I fuck up, it’s usually a horrible fuck up that compromises whatever it is that I was doing.  Brianna, Mandy, and Alexis are a few that owe a sincere apology to, one of which still continues to hate me to this day.  And another one, through a lot of convincing, stopped hating me after almost 4 years of thinking negatively of me.  And the other is just one that I’m lucky to have in my life.  There are even some people at Soka that secretly (and some openly) hate me.  What bothers me the most about being disliked is this:  If people do not like me for a specific reason and they let me know about it, then that’s fine.  All people are different and their decision is understandable.  But when people secretly hate me over something, which is usually a misunderstanding, and get other people to hate me without me knowing anything, then that makes me both perturbed and frustrated.   Take this situation for example:  After I went home for the summer after meeting the Class of 2013 Freshman before they started CORE, I spoke to someone whom I met before I left.  I gave her a compliment on how I thought she was an attractive person.  Guess what happened after that?  I get called a player.  Not only that, but I was told by her that I was being called a player by a lot of the girls in the Freshman class.  Let me tell you the first thought that came into my head when I heard that….

“WTF is this bullshit?!  Are you fucking tellin me that people who don’t even know me are judging me like this?!  Who the fuck even spread something like that before school even started?!  When have I ever been a player at Soka?!  Who the fuck started spreadin some bull shit like this without even havin da balls to say that shit to my face?  Damn, I thought I left this bitch-ass-ness back in SC but I guess pussy ass niggaz follow me everywhere I go huh!. ”

My reply, if I remember correctly, was simply “Please do not judge me based on other people’s opinions of me without getting to know me.”  And you know what?  Me and her are now hella tight friends.  So thank you Tits (May May) for allowing me to be your friend. =)

Growing up being the kind of person I am, I most certainly did not make the best decisions when it came to treating people.  At times, I looked down on people and tried to use my intelligence to try and get over on some people.  To those people that caught me, I apologize for my teenage antics and now, as a young adult, humbly and sincerely apologize for all of those things that I have done that you either may not have liked or have hurt you before.

Hey, who knows.  I may not be important enough a person to any of these people to even care about what happened back then.  Matter of fact, I personally do not think of myself as someone worthy of gossip just because that’s the way I think of myself when I look in the mirror.  I think all humans fear being alone and ignored.  Humans are organisms that depend on each other to survive whether we believe it or not.  I would hate to have an arrogant attitude thinking that everyone around me would notice and actually no one gives a damn.  That’s why I’m always surprised when I hear about people not liking me without giving me a chance to defend my actions.  Shit, I’m not afraid to own up to my mistakes, but I can’t do that if don’t know that I did something bad.  That’s the real reason why I wanted people to hit up my formspring, so I could resolve any problems that people didn’t directly want to confront me with.  But as I expected, people do not care about me enough to clear up any blemishes to my reputation.  Only the people that really talk to me know what kind of person I am despite me trying my best to portray to people who I really am.  Fuck, it’s soooo fucking frustrating when you try so hard to do something and you always and repeatedly fail at something that should be simple.

Like this blog for example, only maybe 3-4 people for sure will probably read this.  And for the few extra people that will read this probably won’t read all of it because it’s too long.  That sucks, because it’s things like this that I do for people to see what’s really good with James Shonin Kelly III but at least it reaches these 3-4 people.  Like I previously said, it would suck to do all of this and no one cared.

But I didn’t write this blog to lose hope on life.  On the contrary, I’m loving life.  I love that I’m not struggling to do things that I should be doing at my age while I also have next to no support from anyone.  But I do not say that to be arrogant or anything, I’m just relieved that my family doesn’t have to worry about me makin it and about me doin what I gotta do.  Most people may not realize what my mother has dealt with in her life, but if I could do even one thing to bring her one piece of unconditional happiness in her life, then I’ll do my best at it.  I refuse to be a burden to anyone, and I do not want to be the one to push my mother over the edge.  She is a strong woman, but everyone has their limits.

But yeah, is a brief rundown of some things that were on my mind.  I’m tired and I have work in the morning, plus I’m pretty sure that people don’t wanna read for days, so I’ll wrap it up here.  Right now, wordpress is telling me that my word count is at 1886, which is about a 5-6 page essay double spaced so I think this is a good stopping place haha.

Peace out for today,

Please continue to keep reading if you do read,

I’m sorry to everyone that I owe an apology to,

And Be Easy

James Shonin Kelly III