Bathing Thoughts – Small Things > Big Things

Right now, I’m chilling.  I kicked it with my homeboys and one home-girl and had a pretty thought-provoking day.  So many things to think about…family, school, future…the usual things I complain about.  So let me try to actually say something thought-provoking, palpable, and non-self-indulgent.

Today, I took a bath.

Why is this important?

Because me taking a bath is 1) part of the title (always an important part of my blogs) and 2) this is the focal point of this blog.  So, I took a bath.  I decided to take a bath when I was about to take a shower and I realized that I haven’t taken a bath in over a year.  Yeah, it’s awkward to take a bath at Soka and my home bathtub is more comfortable than Soka’s because I have broad shoulders and home’s tub is more spacious/wider/accommodating.  Besides, I finally grew some balls to look at my grades for this semester and my feelings/fears were confirmed:  no opportunity scholarship next semester.

If you know anything about my whole scholarship situation or know anything about the Soka Opportunity Grant, then you understand what’s going on right now.  So when I get back to campus, I have to figure out how to pay for this up-coming semester since my scholarship money is gone.  So while soaking in perfect-temperature water combined with Epsom Salt, I thought briefly about what I was going to do.  I’ve learned that stressing doesn’t help me think, plus I still have a little bit of time before I have to have the money for the semester.  I just have to use that time wisely…

I decided take a shower afterward and wash then instead of soaking in dirty water the whole time.  The next train of thoughts were “How did I end up in this situation and how can I prevent this from happening again”.  All of the seemingly small, insignificant decisions that I make not only turn out to have big consequences, but they also add up over time.  I once mentioned that I have issues with judgments concerning quantities.  Or I guess I have conflicting innate predetermined relative quantitative values with my general environment.  Being bad at judging what’s considered a long time and at judging how long tasks will take to do are two of the more prominent bad judgments that affect most often and that contributed to the loss of my scholarship.

As solutions that I’ve come up with, but have yet to implement, understanding these flaws of mine and making better decisions seems to be the best courses of action.  The only problem with that is what my homegirl was saying today.  She says that my whole demeanor has changed since going to Cali; as if I’ve forgotten where I’ve come from.  And sadly, she’s right.  I’m physically not able to talk like I used to, care about the same things as I used to, think like I used to, dress like I used to, etc. to the point of me questioning what the hell am I doing?  Do I not have a strong enough image of myself now and/or who I want to be in order to be recognized at home and in my new home?  On the real, things are so different in both places that I’m not understood no matter where I go if I stay in one set way.  I speak like I used to, no one understands what I say at school; I speak like I do at school, I look unfamiliar and different in the eyes of people I’ve known most of my life.

Is it me or is it them?  Maybe I haven’t been using my brain because of the things that it thinks of.  Sometimes, my brain has the audacity to consider that the rest of the world is wrong and that the way that I think is correct (well at least my world meaning the people that I interact with).  Even though that possibility may exists, knowing when to follow your own head and when to listen is another judgment skill that I’m terrible at.  And I’m pretty sure this is just because I’m James Shonin Kelly III, but when I try to change and do different things, it seem as though I always get shit from other people.  Whether it’s “Oh, James don’t know no one like that anymore huh” or “See, I told you to listen. Why don’t you ever listen?”, I never seem to just have people that understand without the lip involved in some way.

This is just a snippet of all the things I was thinking about.  I was planning on listening to music while chillin, but I had so many things on my mind at once that I just ended up staring at the ceiling for about 45 mins just sorting out what was what.  After that, I drained the water, showered, cleaned the tub, and proceeded to packing and washing my clothes to be productive while writing this blog.  I leave here at noon to drive 2 1/2 hours to the airport because flying into my state during the holidays costs me an arm and a leg.

By the way, I took this bath at around 4amish because my sleep schedule is determined by when I take my omxycillin.  So I’ve been packing until then because I always rush and forget things when I usually pack.  This time, I’m making sure that I have everything.  Technically I’m completely moved out of my family home, there are still things that belong to me that are still randomly around the house.  Since I packed extremely lightly this trip, I took the time to raid our mock book collection.  I must say, I’m impressed with my mother’s literature choices; I’m going to sound more nerdier than I already do, but I found a book of simple-but-good recipes created by college students, a book on t’ai chi, a chess strategy book that I never got around to reading, a book on how to deal with difficult people, and one or two other books on interesting things.  I haven’t personally read in a while, and I will definitely make more time to do so.  My problem is that I get addicted to reading and I tend to not do more immediate important things like studying, etc.  That shouldn’t be too much of a problem though due to study abroad and all.

Alright, it’s time for me to get my clothes out of the dryer and finish packing and pass out after taking some medicine.  My mouth is almost healed, but the pain still gives me headaches.  =/  In a few hours I’ll be on that plane that will take me back to my reality.  When I step off, I gotta be ready to handle business.  I’ve played enough games and have paid the price for it in more than just a few ways.  If I want to achieve my goals, I gotta have confidence in my decisions, be decisive, and know specifically what my goals are.  I can do this, and if I can’t, then it’s my own fault.

Peace N Be Easy

Snowfield Rhapsody

#school #soka #scholarship #things #life #college #bath