All I Can Do Is Sigh…..

Let Me Give You A Few Statistics About My Life:

Cell phone – 274 contacts

Skype contacts – 183

Yahoo – 36

Facebook friends – 1,152

AIM – 42

MSN – 70

Myspace – 355

And this is not including all of the contacts that I have on all of my other email accounts.

And as of now, what do all of these equal to?

Honestly….just about nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

What’s the point of having all of these contacts if none of them hit you up unless they want something from you?

What’s the point of even paying 68$ for a cell phone that hasn’t even been called/txted/messaged in days?

I’m just cutting straight to the chase.  I don’t care if people think I’m reaching out for anything right now or not, but there are too many thoughts going on in my head for me to even think properly.

Let me start off with this summer first though.

I have been annoyed, aggravated, duped, disrespected, abandoned, unhappy, sad, infuriated, and many other negative emotions ever since the summer started.  My expectations and trust that had for people were thrown in my face repeatedly, I was told that there is no possible way to get into the Study Abroad program that I want to get into, being back home sucks, I’m broke, and at the end of the day……all I have is me.

Losing hope and becoming hopeless is the main ingredient in the formula of Losing.  Plus it makes you sound like a whiny lil bitch when you start complaining about everything.  To the person that created the cliche phrase “Hey, that’s life” fuck you.  Unless you live my life and walk in my shoes, you can shove that statement.  I REFUSE to lose hope even if I have trouble at home, or all of my best friends that I still had have moved on, or if……I’m alone.

That’s it, maybe being truly alone is the key to solving all of my problems.  I mean, that’s the only thing that I haven’t tried yet, right?

Wrong.

I’ve been alone my whole life.  I’ve been alone here in SC because of the way I thought.  Because I questioned everything and disagreed with a lot of people in the way that people did things I had to keep my mouth shut less I wanted it shut for me.  Through the art of shutting the fuck up, I learned how to listen to people.  And, if I was around them enough, I learned how to pick up on their mannerisms.  It took me a long time to learn how to speak up for myself though and I still have trouble doing it for fear of remaining alone.

Because my mother wanted me to stay off the streets (and because she didn’t want me to come home at a young age), I stayed in daycare until i was 12.  When I started middle school at 12, that’s when I met my homie Dawud.  And from the ages of 12-16, that’s when I really got to know my neighborhood and the people that lived here.  Memories of playin basketball, watchin people smoke weed, befriending mothers that escorted, running away from a few gun shootouts, and knowing the ins and outs of my hood are among the best memories of my life.  This is when I learned how to give respect to anyone that I came across.  Too bad I have yet to be successful in getting respect since those days.

I high school is when I learned that there is a certain order that people of our society follow.  Similar to a caste in some ways, I quickly figured out that certain people can do certain things, and if one were to deviate from that then they would be called out on it.  Whether it’s grabbing a girl’s ass or talkin with certain groups of people or learnin how the game works, I learned my place (most certainly the hard way) and I learned how to adapt.  Keep in mind, whether it’s in the streets or at school, I was still fairly quiet, and always watching and learning.  At this point, learning to keep my mouth shut and to listen was a survival skill.

All during high school, I never found someone who was exactly like me.  I found some people who were kinda similar, but as always, still alone.  Even in college.  I can’t even find people who know what real racism and what it’s like living in a shitty neighborhood (which has cleaned up a LOT recently) is like around where I live.

Even when I’ve been in relationships (trust me, back in the day I have had my share of them), I felt as though I’ve never been understood even though I’ve given it my all to understand and take care of the one I’m in the relationship with.

It’s just me and the world huh?

I was going to write a whole lot more, but I’m tired of sounding pitiful about being alone.  I can’t say fuck the world and do my own thing; yet I can’t be happy with the way things are.

*sigh*

That’s all that comes to mind when I try to keep my temper in check, before I tell people what I really think, before I tell the truth.

*sigh*

That’s all I can do until I can hold onto something tangible, which usually never lasts long.

sighing, sadly, is all I can really do.

*sigh*……..

P N B E

James Shonin Kelly III

P. S. – To all my readers and to Candice and Jelissa; sorry this blog isn’t as long as it could have been and my apologizes for the language and all over the place thoughts.  I wasn’t lying; I really have been working on this one blog for the past three days.   I just got tired of feeling sorry for myself and being optimistic all the time when you life is full of unwanted shit is really just extremely mentally taxing/exhausting/tiring.

If you wonder why I put up with what I do, then it’s a simple as this.  Even though I live with shitty situations with shitty people, if I were to really open up, I would be truly alone.  And that, to me, is one of the scariest feelings ever imaginable.

So now when I sigh and keep quiet, you know what’s up.